Saturday, October 27, 2007

Chapter Six: I'm a Loser

IUI #1 was a failure. So was IUI #2. I just couldn't understand why I couldn't get pregnant, even under such ideal conditions. What more could we want than my husband's sperm being placed where it needed to be? I responded well to the medication. I had always ovulated on my own, but this gave me even more eggs for the sperm to find. So what the hell was the problem?

There's something about being the only married couple you know without children that is extremely isolating. It's like a club that you're not qualified to join. Infertility is a very lonely place. I felt like I was broken- damaged goods. Our friends were having babies left and right. It seemed like everyone else could have kids except us. What's worse was that no one understood the loneliness and isolation. People would make inappropriate comments such as, 'Be happy you don't have kids- they're so much work!' (right, because I didn't realize that before- thanks for the warning; now I'm so relieved that I'm infertile!). Once, a friend of mine, who was fully aware of the medical intervention I had been through, was complaining about how her toddler was starting to throw temper tantrums and asked, 'Are you sure you really want one of these?' There's nothing more hurtful than someone who can have kids speaking lightly of your situation. There was no one in my real life who would understand. Which is why I sunk lower and lower and stepped farther and farther away from my friends.

1 comment:

Babe* said...

I felt as if you were writing this particular entry about me. This is exactly how I feel 99% of the time.

The sad thing is I work with at a Ob/Gyn clinic and a Perinatal office. I get those stupid comments all the time for co workers. The one comment that hurts the most is....go on a vacation you come back pregnant. REALLY!! I've been on probably 50 vacations in the last 10 years. I don't need more vacations. What I need is medical intervention!!!

I'm so thankful to have you and the rest of the girls. It's not so lonely.