Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Mean Mr. Mustard

I'm really starting to get fed up with inconsiderate people. At work, while driving, in the doctor's office... doesn't matter- they're everywhere, and it's pissing me the fuck off.

Could be that I'm ultra sensitive to it lately, but it just seems like it happens much more often. Or maybe because I am a much happier person and much more laid back and patient about life, and I like being that way. Why can't everyone be? I don't know. But in the past two days I was just angered way beyond what I could tolerate.

First, yesterday morning I had an acupuncture appointment. It's a good 1/2 hour away without traffic and I am very careful to arrive promptly. Usually I am the first appointment of the morning, but yesterday there was another name on the sign-in sheet before me. My acupuncturist wasn't sitting behind the desk when I arrived, so I figured she was finishing up with her last patient. I went to the restroom and when I came back, my acupuncturist was sitting there so I knew she was finished. I guessed that we were waiting for the previous client to exit the treatment room. So I waited. And waited. How freakin long does it take for someone to put on their shoes, pull down their pants legs, grab their belongings and leave the room, for god's sakes? I'll tell you. It was a good 10 minutes (now making it 15 minutes past my appointment time). Finally this woman comes out into the waiting room and made a joke about how long it took her to leave. Turns out, she took a call on her mobile phone. Are you freaking kidding me? Does the thought cross her mind for a second that someone might need the room? Pissed me off! Not the aggravation I needed right before I'm about to get an acupuncture treatment. Needless to say I did not enjoy it as much as I normally do. I left with a stiff neck and back and a general feeling about how people can be assholes. Not a good way to start off the day.

Then at work, one of my coworkers pissed me off with her inconsiderate behavior. She sent an email out asking when everyone would like to go to lunch. This is something we've done every day since the beginning of time, since we need to have phone coverage at all times. Since we each work different hours each day, one day I might want to go to lunch earlier or later depending on my hours. So I responded with my time choices. WELL, at 3pm when I was supposed to go to lunch, she just LEAVES without a word. Takes my lunch time without saying anything to me. In the almost 3 years I have worked here this has never happened. She is a new coworker and has annoyed me from the first day she started working here, about 4 months ago. Maybe I'm being particularly hard on her since I don't care for her very much. All I can say is no matter what my personal feelings about her might be, I've always been a considerate coworker. There's no excuse for not being one.

Then this morning, during my miserable, rainy commute, this asshole cuts me off and almost hits my car, just because he doesn't want to wait for me to pass before he cuts across two lanes to make his exit. And there was NO ONE BEHIND ME! That really gets me. I'm nervous enough driving in bad weather as it is, with Blobby depending on me for his/her safety, without some schmuck thinking he should have the right of way because he wants it. Boy did I sit on my horn and curse him out (and then apologized to Blobby for my bad language). Not that he cared, because he was off on his way.

Probably the most annoying example of inconsideration is when I hear certain stories about my friends' doctors. I can't believe the nerve of some of them! One of my friends went for her '6 week' ultrasound on Friday to see if her post-IVF embryo had a heartbeat. The doctor could not find one. He scheduled her for a D&E. She and her DH spent the entire weekend devastated because they believed that their last chance at having a child had ended. I cannot imagine TTC for 10+ years, trying all sorts of ARTs, knowing that IVF is your last chance to conceive, and having it end this way.

Thankfully, she works at an OB-GYN's office and asked a coworker to do a quick ultrasound. And there was a heartbeat!! I really needed to hear this news, especially after Nat's devastating stillbirth almost 2 weeks ago. And even more thankfully, she continued with her PIO shots through the weekend hoping for a miracle, and she got it. Her doctor should be shot for giving up so easily (and for getting the dates wrong and underestimating her embryo's progress). So many doctors need to take some bedside manner classes.

I'm so happy to end this post on a good note. Our IF community really needed this.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I'll Cry Instead

I just got some very horrible news about a friend of mine. She was 35+ weeks pregnant after IVF and just lost her baby today. I don't have any details yet. Regardless of the cause, it just sickens and saddens me. I just can't imagine the pain and devastation of coming so close to having your baby in your arms, only for this to happen. Please send thoughts/prayers to her and her family.

I am just so sad for her. One embryo, one baby, no frozen embryos to speak of, and look what happened. And yet I can't help but selfishly think of my own situation, which was very similar. I was finally feeling comfortable with the thought of having a baby at the end of this journey. Now I wonder. I was always so afraid to accept that good things are really happening; when you do that, something bad always follows. But in preparing for a baby, you have to give in to those happy feelings so you can be fully prepared when the baby does come.

And I had. I had immersed myself in mommy-to-be culture. I started researching baby products and adding items to my registries, fully expecting to need them all. I was chatting about what life will be like 'when the baby comes' and thinking in terms of our lives with a new member of our family. Now what happens if this never comes to be? Am I making it potentially harder on myself if one day we receive the same horrific news as my friend did? How could we possibly go on?

I just really don't know what to say. I am so devastated by this news. There aren't any words to say so I think I'll just cry instead.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Two of Us

It wasn't so long ago that 'two of us' had a completely different meaning. It used to refer to DH & me. There was no one else; just us. But now, I am 25 weeks pregnant and looking the part. People are beginning to notice. My identity has completely changed. I'm no longer just me; I am me plus one.

I've been struggling with an internal dichotomy of feelings. I used to be so jealous of pregnant women and how much differently they were treated by our society. I wanted that so much, and yet my attitude was always like, what about those of us who can't have children? Why are we being repeatedly punished? First because we can't have what we want more than anything else in the world; and then, because we now have to witness other women being placed on pedestals only because they are pregnant. Am I not a valuable member of society for reasons other than my ability to procreate? I felt a lot of resentment and jealousy... but mostly anger. Living life without children was a strong possibility and I wasn't going to tolerate differential treatment.

But now, from the moment I started to accept the wonderful reality that I am to become a mother, I struggle with the fact that I am becoming one of Them. You know, one of those women who gets all the attention, is constantly being asked how I feel, do I need anything, do I want to sit down... my every need being attended to. And you know what? I like it. I watched others being the subject of this attention and longed for the day that it would be me. And yet I still remember that feeling that I had towards society's special treatment of pregnant women- that of anger and resentment. And I don't want to be enjoying this.

But I so am. Not necessarily because of the special attention that I have been receiving. Moreso, I am enjoying the fact that we have overcome so many odds that were stacked against us. Blobby is the baby that I was starting to think would never happen; the baby that developed from one lone embryo that was destined to survive when 17 of its brother and sister embryos were not; the baby that was at such a high risk for various genetic abnormalities and chromosomal disorders and yet so far, has been passing all of its tests with flying colors. I do feel like this baby is so special. For whatever reason (and this still boggles the mind), it has beaten the odds and is thriving and growing and will be born. So when people shower me with concern and attention, I will think to myself, I'm not better than anyone else because I'm pregnant, and it's not me who deserves this; it's my baby. I'm just the middle man; the messenger; the go-between. One-half of the two of us.