Monday, March 3, 2008

Two of Us

It wasn't so long ago that 'two of us' had a completely different meaning. It used to refer to DH & me. There was no one else; just us. But now, I am 25 weeks pregnant and looking the part. People are beginning to notice. My identity has completely changed. I'm no longer just me; I am me plus one.

I've been struggling with an internal dichotomy of feelings. I used to be so jealous of pregnant women and how much differently they were treated by our society. I wanted that so much, and yet my attitude was always like, what about those of us who can't have children? Why are we being repeatedly punished? First because we can't have what we want more than anything else in the world; and then, because we now have to witness other women being placed on pedestals only because they are pregnant. Am I not a valuable member of society for reasons other than my ability to procreate? I felt a lot of resentment and jealousy... but mostly anger. Living life without children was a strong possibility and I wasn't going to tolerate differential treatment.

But now, from the moment I started to accept the wonderful reality that I am to become a mother, I struggle with the fact that I am becoming one of Them. You know, one of those women who gets all the attention, is constantly being asked how I feel, do I need anything, do I want to sit down... my every need being attended to. And you know what? I like it. I watched others being the subject of this attention and longed for the day that it would be me. And yet I still remember that feeling that I had towards society's special treatment of pregnant women- that of anger and resentment. And I don't want to be enjoying this.

But I so am. Not necessarily because of the special attention that I have been receiving. Moreso, I am enjoying the fact that we have overcome so many odds that were stacked against us. Blobby is the baby that I was starting to think would never happen; the baby that developed from one lone embryo that was destined to survive when 17 of its brother and sister embryos were not; the baby that was at such a high risk for various genetic abnormalities and chromosomal disorders and yet so far, has been passing all of its tests with flying colors. I do feel like this baby is so special. For whatever reason (and this still boggles the mind), it has beaten the odds and is thriving and growing and will be born. So when people shower me with concern and attention, I will think to myself, I'm not better than anyone else because I'm pregnant, and it's not me who deserves this; it's my baby. I'm just the middle man; the messenger; the go-between. One-half of the two of us.


Fertilize Me said...

Bravo!! Excellent Post! I know exactly what you are meaning!

Barb said...

You deserve it too. Just because IF women (including me) have a hard time with that treatment, it doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of a little TLC. It would just be nice if IF treatments got a similar concern.


Daisy said...

I'm so happy for you! And you totally deserve all that attention- so eat it up!


I am glad to hear that everything is going so great for you and blobby :) I can't believe you are already half way there- I am so happy for you!
You deserve the attention- you have tried for this for so long- drink it up- I know that you will always remember 'where you started' don't worry about becoming one of THEM- you will always understand- in some ways it makes it more special, I guess because you aren't taking it for granted- you know how special a gift you have been given.
I watched a really great movie the other night and thought about you- 'Across the Universe'- it is pretty much a movie covering I think like 67-71 using Beatles songs- I think you'd like it- that is if you haven't already seen it :)
Hang in there- keeping you in my thought, sending you lots of love!